Happiness Is

Someone who'd read some of my online content recently looked me up and emailed to ask about my secrets of happiness. That was pretty cool, and besides being a great compliment, it really made me think. Having thus thunk, I figured I'd make a real post out of the stuff I came up with:

1. Happiness is my goal. According to Mahayana Buddhism, being happy is everybody's goal all the time, but some people seem to do a pretty good job of ignoring it. I like to do things that make me happy (even if they seem unconventional, silly, or hard), like traveling the world, making art, learning to do new things, and so on. I think it's great to be altruistic and help others, but only if it makes you happy. If I can't think of anything I really want to do, I try to do different stuff anyway, and eventually I come across something else I really enjoy.

2. I make a point of liking myself. This hasn't always come to me easily, but I think it's important. My best tip is to make an internal truce - you're stuck with yourself, so you might as well stop any negative internal dialogue as well as you can. For me, that was enough to really help over time.

3. I believe in authentic relationships. I really love my partner and kids. I wouldn't necessarily recommend these things to others who aren't deeply motivated in the same direction, but I do have a few important principles that really work for me in this area.

James and I are both deeply committed to our partnership. We also try to support each other unconditionally. We even have a rule that we automatically have to tell each other anything we feel uncomfortable sharing. It's nice to feel like someone really has your back no matter what. Of course, I did really luck out in the partner department, but I also went out of my way to make sure I could be a good partner, to meet interesting people, and to make sure we were really compatible in the early stages of our relationship.

As far as the kids go, I'm a firm believer in unconditional parenting and unschooling. For me, these principles have been amazing in developing a positive relationship with my kids. (Well, with my son, mostly. So far attachment parenting is pretty much doing it for my two-month-old daughter.)

In the friends department, I know I could stand to develop some more skills, but I do know that I like to have friends who are honest, adventurous, and not too easily phased. One habit that works wonders for me in almost any relationship is nonviolent communication (this is by far the most useful thing that I ever learned in school, and another way that I really lucked out).

4. I try to have healthy habits. Not always, of course, because I like to experiment and have fun, too. But I generally find that any ongoing moodiness, anxiety, or existential angst that occurs from time to time can be lessened dramatically with healthy eating, exercise, sufficient sleep and relaxation and a generous amount of time outdoors. I'm all for philosophical inquiry, but only if it's actually fun.

5. I have a lot of faith in the universe. Not that I won't get hit by a bus tomorrow, but that in general even when bad things happen they have a silver lining, and when certain opportunities disappear, others tend to open up. I do find that a spiritual practice helps to develop this type of faith over time. Personally I really enjoy Christopher Penczak's Temple of Witchcraft series of books on this topic, but, well, that's six dense books about traditional witchcraft, and I realize that's not everyone's cup of nightshade tea. For beginners who'd like to try out something down-to-earth, digestible, and non-dogmatic, I'd highly recommend the book The Four Agreements, or maybe Hardcore Zen if that sounds more up your alley.

Those five general principles do wonders for me in the happiness department. Of course, I'm also happy because my life is pretty awesome. What are your secrets to happiness?