The Other Nine Best Things I've Learned

Erica took the bait in my last post and asked, "By the way, what ARE the best things you've learned?" Here are the additional top ten that come to mind, in no particular order (and I'll try to keep them quick). Looking over the list, most of it boils down to trusting myself, I think.

1. Well, yes, do follow synchronicity. When strange coincidences start to come into your life, particularly around certain topics, try to follow them and see where they lead. When you get interested in something new and the very next day you meet someone who can teach you more about it, take them up on that. And so on. Mostly, really amazing stuff seems to happen when I do this.

2. Journaling really helps. When the synchronicity and the creativity aren't flowing, especially, or when I'm feeling out of sorts. I learned this practice from the wonderful book The Artist's Way, and it is my absolute top self-help and/or mystical recommendation to pretty much anyone. The method suggested is to write stream-of-consciousness style about absolutely anything for twenty minutes every day. I am consistently blown away by how much less blocked I feel when I stick to this habit.

3. People in positions of authority aren't necessarily right. I've found there is a huge difference between knowing this in theory and knowing it in practice. It applies to doctors, academics, and politicians, among others. It also applies to other hyper-confident individuals with aggressive styles of communication, including particularly those who use "conventional wisdom" to back up their claims.

4. You can make art if you want to. I've really come to believe that intrinsic talent is overrated. Sure, it exists, but I'll take desire and practice over that stuff any day. If you really follow your own instincts creatively, you're not guaranteed any recognition, but you're fairly certain to impress yourself eventually.

5. Nobody will make sure you get what you deserve, but you still deserve to be happy. For me, struggling with sexism has been a real challenge in my life. I'm still a passionate feminist, and I think raising consciousness about various types of privilege is incredibly important. But, we can't wait until all that is fixed to be happy. And to be happy, we have to do the things we want to, regardless of how hard they are or how they are likely to be received. Nobody else can do this for us.

6. Freedom is an action, not a reaction. I've spent more time than I would like rebelling (subconsciously) against things I don't feel I should have to do. For example, I don't have to be employed, clean my house, or have a spiritual life just because society thinks I should. I'm glad that I really really know and believe that at this point. But I'm also glad that I've realized I can do these things for myself, and can appreciate the results of my effort.

7. Everybody just wants to be happy. This is an important principle of Mahayana Buddhism, and one I've spent a lot of time thinking about. Parenting has also really impressed me with the truth of this saying. No one sets out to be a bad or disliked person, some people just never learn how to deal with their problems constructively, or for whatever reason can't bring themselves to do so. This doesn't mean I let people "get away with" anything they want to do, but it does mean that I judge others a lot less than I used to. And when that attitude comes naturally to me, I tend to feel happier.

8. There are other ways to parent. Personally, I'm incredibly glad that I know about unschooling and unconditional parenting.

9. Just because it works for me, doesn't mean it works for everyone. I tried to keep these concepts pretty general, because more specific things are hardly universal. Just because I suddenly become obsessed with yoga, for example, doesn't mean that other people should do the same. Except for journaling, of course. Everybody should do that.

The Best Thing I Learned in my Twenties

There have been times during the past decade when I could look back over the past week, or even month, and wonder what constructive thing I had done (if any). I'm not particularly proud of this, and I realize it's an incredible privilege to have had - but there it is. Intermittently I did some fun things, some stupid things, and a few amazing things. Looking back, I realize that I also did a lot of learning.

I learned some great things, definitely - like when you notice synchronicity in your life you should jump on it, and when you're taking the bus in Nepal you should triple-check to make sure you're on the right one lest you find yourself carrying your luggage several miles down a mountain you never should have been up in the first place. But since no one is actually sitting around asking me what the best things I've learned are, I won't bore you further with a comprehensive list. There is one thing, though, that I really wish someone would have told me earlier, and that is this:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT

You don't have to figure out the meaning of life, or why the world is the way it is. You can ponder these things if you like, but you'll never really, truly figure it out (at least not by over-thinking it). In particular, not figuring it all out certainly shouldn't stop you from doing what you want to do, or what you feel you should do. To put that another way, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE.

You probably don't have to worry too much about choosing a career. Sure, some jobs take lots of forethought and preparation, but if you might really become a pro ballet dancer or a neurosurgeon, you probably already have some inkling that you might be on that path.

Misspent youth notwithstanding, it's not that I'm opposed to hard work or dedication - far from it. I've just come to think it's more important to consider what you want right now. For example, if you want to go to college or grad school, if you think that would be interesting and fulfilling and you're willing to take on the financial obligations, then sure, go for it! Or if you have another goal, like working to buy a house or save up for something you're excited about, then great. Otherwise, why not get up and ask yourself WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY? On any given day you could apply for an interesting job, make some art, research an interesting topic, check out a place you've never been before, or hang out with a friend. For the most part, you can do this stuff even if you're already or employed, or in school...

Over time, these choices add up. People learn new things and encounter new directions. Our past experience is rarely as irrelevant as we might imagine, since some of the fundamental skills we acquire - to learn, to grow, to use our intuition, to work hard, to be happy - are pretty much always relevant. Just do something incredible, okay? Like, today.


ETA: I did end up adding this post on a similar topic: Other Best Things I Have Learned!

Happiness Is

Someone who'd read some of my online content recently looked me up and emailed to ask about my secrets of happiness. That was pretty cool, and besides being a great compliment, it really made me think. Having thus thunk, I figured I'd make a real post out of the stuff I came up with:

1. Happiness is my goal. According to Mahayana Buddhism, being happy is everybody's goal all the time, but some people seem to do a pretty good job of ignoring it. I like to do things that make me happy (even if they seem unconventional, silly, or hard), like traveling the world, making art, learning to do new things, and so on. I think it's great to be altruistic and help others, but only if it makes you happy. If I can't think of anything I really want to do, I try to do different stuff anyway, and eventually I come across something else I really enjoy.

2. I make a point of liking myself. This hasn't always come to me easily, but I think it's important. My best tip is to make an internal truce - you're stuck with yourself, so you might as well stop any negative internal dialogue as well as you can. For me, that was enough to really help over time.

3. I believe in authentic relationships. I really love my partner and kids. I wouldn't necessarily recommend these things to others who aren't deeply motivated in the same direction, but I do have a few important principles that really work for me in this area.

James and I are both deeply committed to our partnership. We also try to support each other unconditionally. We even have a rule that we automatically have to tell each other anything we feel uncomfortable sharing. It's nice to feel like someone really has your back no matter what. Of course, I did really luck out in the partner department, but I also went out of my way to make sure I could be a good partner, to meet interesting people, and to make sure we were really compatible in the early stages of our relationship.

As far as the kids go, I'm a firm believer in unconditional parenting and unschooling. For me, these principles have been amazing in developing a positive relationship with my kids. (Well, with my son, mostly. So far attachment parenting is pretty much doing it for my two-month-old daughter.)

In the friends department, I know I could stand to develop some more skills, but I do know that I like to have friends who are honest, adventurous, and not too easily phased. One habit that works wonders for me in almost any relationship is nonviolent communication (this is by far the most useful thing that I ever learned in school, and another way that I really lucked out).

4. I try to have healthy habits. Not always, of course, because I like to experiment and have fun, too. But I generally find that any ongoing moodiness, anxiety, or existential angst that occurs from time to time can be lessened dramatically with healthy eating, exercise, sufficient sleep and relaxation and a generous amount of time outdoors. I'm all for philosophical inquiry, but only if it's actually fun.

5. I have a lot of faith in the universe. Not that I won't get hit by a bus tomorrow, but that in general even when bad things happen they have a silver lining, and when certain opportunities disappear, others tend to open up. I do find that a spiritual practice helps to develop this type of faith over time. Personally I really enjoy Christopher Penczak's Temple of Witchcraft series of books on this topic, but, well, that's six dense books about traditional witchcraft, and I realize that's not everyone's cup of nightshade tea. For beginners who'd like to try out something down-to-earth, digestible, and non-dogmatic, I'd highly recommend the book The Four Agreements, or maybe Hardcore Zen if that sounds more up your alley.

Those five general principles do wonders for me in the happiness department. Of course, I'm also happy because my life is pretty awesome. What are your secrets to happiness?

The Four Principles of Highly Lucky People

I read a really interesting article about luck the other day, and unfortunately I can't find the exact article now, because I was hoping to reference it. Anyway, psychologist Richard Wiseman recently completed a study of people who described themselves as lucky or unlucky, with some interesting findings.

Apparently his study found that lucky people tend to do four things in particular. They're not too surprising, but it's interesting to see them laid out this simply:

1. Remain open to opportunity rather than focusing tightly on current goals. In an interesting bit of the study, "unlucky" participants asked to count photos in a newspaper completely failed to notice large messages telling them to quit the task and that they had won money...while "lucky" participants tended to do the opposite. Apparently, believing that you are a lucky person may actually contribute to this ability to notice unexpected opportunities.

2. Listen to your intuition or gut feelings. People who value their hunches even when they go against their rational interpretation of the facts tend to have "luckier" outcomes.

3. Deliberately expose yourself to new situations and information, even randomly, rather than sticking to a simple routine.

4. See the good side of whatever actually happens.

While there is an obvious potential for observational bias, the study also found that the "lucky" participants measured objectively differently in certain common goal areas such as relationships and careers. Luckily for all of us, these factors can apparently be learned and taught. I'm pretty happy to think about these four ideas for a while, but apparently this guy wrote a book and a website if you want to learn more.

oh, the cute

it's a little hard to see his costume in this picture, but river was a raver for halloween. we went to a grown-ups party last night and a kids party today, since we figured river was still too little to get much out of trick-or-treating this year.

I got this question in my comments:

Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? [...] Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church's fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don't know yet. What's your advice? Am I over-reacting or just being a concerned mom?

trick-or-treating seems just a tiny bit risky to me, much like playgrounds with swings and many of the best things in life. Personally I have extremely fond childhood memories of halloween, and I look forward to sharing many aspects of this wacky holiday with river as he grows up. but I guess everyone has to do what feels right for their family. In terms of safety precautions, I would make sure that kids go with a trusted adult until you're sure they know not to go into strangers' houses, and what to do if an emergency or difficult situation should arise. I don't know how true the stories you hear about poisoned candy are, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to check that the wrappers don't look tampered with, too, before anybody eats their candy.

if you're concerned about a fever, though, I'm not sure what this has to do with halloween. are you just worried about your kids compromising their immunity by getting too cold or eating too much junk? otherwise, i'm not sure how trick-or-treating and coming down with something would be related, in fact, going to a party seems like it would create a higher risk of passing bugs around. thanks for the question, though.

so what did everybody end up doing for halloween?